The following info is from Dr, James J. Messina's http://www.coping.org/relations/martyr.htm site
Tools for Coping Series.
Victims often:
-Lack the knowledge that they are being taken advantage of by others.
-Are so used to a certain way of being treated that they don't recognize it as unhealthy for them.
-Lack healthy self-esteem or self-concepts.
-Have little belief in themselves.
-Come from high-stress families where their rights were never respected; therefore, they lack the competencies, skills, and abilities to stand up for their rights.
-Lack information about assertive behavior and have no experience in using assertive behavior.
-Lack of ``others'' in their lives who can point out alternative healthy solutions to their problems.
-Are timid, scared, and suspicious of help being offered to them.
-Are skeptical about someone really wanting to help them.
Victims often hold to some of the following irrational beliefs in their lives:
-You must be nice to everyone, even if they are not nice to you.
-Life is supposed to be filled with unhappiness and uncertainty.
-The small guy never wins.
-This is the way things are supposed to be.
-There are winners and losers in all transactions between people.
-My role in life is to be a loser.
-Most people are basically selfish, mean, self-centered and disrespectful.
-You should never complain.
-Take it like a ``man'' (woman)!
Be silent with your feelings.
Victims often do not stand up for their rights because they suffer from the irrational fear of:
-disapproval
-rejection
-conflict
-taking a risk
-the unknown
-change
-confrontation
-being overwhelmed emotionally and physically
-loss of self-respect
-making a mistake.
The main presupposition of this site is that to get relief from pain associated with victim behavior requires, demands that you take a pro-active stance? You gotta want to fight this and be willing to DO something positive to change your situation. If you're in denial there isn't much you can do. Brutal honesty is hard to come by...
If you KNOW you're doing victim behavior, see what it has cost you then you CAN change it...But it's going to feel funny.
Cross your arms, now cross them the other way, feels funny doesn't it? New behavior CAN be 'installed'. You can condition your self to new behavior just as if you were conditioning your body with exercise.
http://web.archive.org/web/20030328102832/http://www.victimbehavior.com/
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This article is for informational purposes only.
Please contact a licensed professional in your area
if you are in crisis or require mental health services
