Sunday, November 30, 2008

Overcoming your Soft Addictions

The holidays are wearing me out, and I'm a grandfather now, a full time grandfather... that's why I've not posted to this blog (or these series of blogs) in over a month.

At least I can say the posts from last month were good.

It's between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I've got a lot to be Thankful for this year.

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I've heard the phrase: "Grateful Alcoholic" in regards to someone recovered from addiction and had a "spiritual awakening". I "sorta" understood in theory how an addict could say that, but since I was a love addict chasing someone who was going to cheat no matter who they were with (I learned to not take it personally, she was an 'equal opportunity cheater'), the thought of being grateful for living in abject misery (depression bordering on suicidal)... I thought it was bullshit.

Now that's not true, I *KNEW* others could pull that off, Mother Teresa types, but not in the real world where I lived:)

This created within me something NLP calls MetaShame, that is before you were fucked up and unaware, a kind of ignorant bliss, now you find out the *source* of your shame, and you know damn well you aren't going to be able to do shit about that one.

So now you're ashamed of BEING ashamed, catch 22 doesn't even come close to describing this pile of shit.

This is like 'quiting smoking' or you're not really clean and sober.

Substituting addictions? get real, you can quit heroin, crack, alcohol, but quit cigarettes?
Not gonna happen


Fast forward me to today... I love my granddaughter. I love the fact that I AM extended family now, I never had extended family... it's beyond cool.

I was 'bonding' with my son in law, he knows I've had my ups and downs with addictions... he told me something that Blew me Away!

and it was true actually, after I had a chance to ponder it:

He's glad I fucked up back then, he's glad I did exactly what I did, warts and all.

Embarrassing as some of it was for me in the 1990's, he's Grateful to God that everything happened EXACTLY the way it did.

He's not happy I suffered, not happy I was in pain, but and this is THE but.

If everything hadn't happened exactly the way it did, there would be no daughter for him to fall in love with, and no granddaughter to be the apple of both our eyes.

One of the things that I learned from 'bonding' is that he has respect for me that I didn't have, he saw through the addictive lying, rationalizing, the shit that I passed off as " eccentricities " ( House is really an asshole, he's not cool, he's a controlling self absorbed asshole, and I wish I wasn't so much like him)


So.. in retrospect, it wasn't such a bitter pill to swallow after all.

Damn near forgot the thrust of this post was to pitch a book that taught me useful stuff:

Overcoming your Soft Addictions


Overcoming your Soft Addictions



==========
This article is for informational purposes only.
Please contact a licensed professional in your area
if you are in crisis or require mental health services

Victim Behavior is codependent behavior

Victim behavior is learned.


So what!


What are you going to do NOW?

"80% of success is WHY to, not how to" Tony Robbins


"The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us. A first step is starting to know that we have a right to protect and defend ourselves. That we have not only the right, but the duty to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us."

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This is a Great Book for working with Boundaries within your family. What is said here about 'Natural & Logical Consequences' is particularly useful. My heartfelt thanks go out to the middle school counselor that told me about this book 22 years ago, it's called S.T.E.P. or

Systematic Training for Effective Parenting



S.T.E.P.
Basically, if you can't implement Natural and Logical Consequences as described in this book, that is a dead giveaway that you don't have healthy, functional boundaries.

"Setting boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation - although some people will say they are setting boundaries, when in fact they are attempting to manipulate. The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is: When we set a boundary we let go of the outcome."

Beyond Codependency by Pia Melody

From the book: "Beyond Codependency" by Melody Beattie
"Setting boundaries is about learning to take care of ourselves, no matter what happens, where we go, or who we're with.

  • Boundaries emerge from deep decisions about what we believe we deserve and don't deserve.

  • Boundaries emerge from belief that what we want and need, like and dislike, is important.

  • Boundaries emerge from a deeper sense of our personal rights, especially the right we have to take care of ourselves and to be ourselves.

  • Boundaries emerge as we learn to value, trust, and listen to ourselves.

  • The goal of having and setting boundaries isn't to build thick walls around ourselves. The purpose is to gain enough security and sense of self to get close to others without the threat of losing ourselves, smothering them, trespassing, or being invaded. Boundaries are the key to loving relationships.

    When we have a sense of self, we'll be able to experience closeness and intimacy. We'll be able to love and to be loved.

    Intimacy, play, and creativity require loss of control. Only when we have boundaries and know we can trust ourselves to enforce them and take care of ourselves, will we be able to let go enough to SOAR. These same activities help develop a sense of self, for it is through LOVE, PLAY, and CREATIVITY that we begin to understand who we are and become reassured we can trust ourselves. Having boundaries means having a self strong, NURTURED, HEALTHY and CONFIDENT enough to LET GO--and come back again INTACT."

    Beyond Codependency by Pia Melodyhttp://search.barnesandnoble.com/Beyond-Codependency/Melody-Beattie/e/9780894865831/?itm=1&afsrc=1&lkid=J27117615&pubid=K144142&byo=1












    ==========
    This article is for informational purposes only.
    Please contact a licensed professional in your area
    if you are in crisis or require mental health services

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