Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Describe Codependency Through Movies -Ben Stiller in Mystery Men

When someone is codependent or "does codependent behavior" they're usually the last one to know.
Having said that no one is ALL Codependent or NON Codependent, it's always a mix. People with damaged sense of self worth (regardless of the source of that "damage") can be said to "exhibit Codependent Behaviors".. that's not the same thing as identifying ones self as "YOUR CODEPENDENT... and I'm not

Now if YOU'RE codependent, typically you're not likely to be aware of it, to those that love you, interact with you, people you have an impact on.. .they're the ones who're likely to:
complain about you
be affected by you
and because of that... those people are like canaries were to miners... they are your alarm

But us codependents tend to want to organize our beliefs around all or nothing. We tend to overlook the fact that no one is 100% codependent all of the time. That's a function of one of the root behaviors of codependency is we identify ourselves as our affliction

Healthy people can call themselves "I'm David"
Codependent people identify themselves as "I'm depressed"

So if you or someone you love you suspect might be codependent, you could look to characters portrayed in recent movies to get an idea of what types of behaviors are "codependent"

 In the movie Mystery Men, Ben Stiller portrays a superhero, a failed superhero, or a superhero wanna be.. his character is "Furious"

The codependent parts of this "Furious" character are that this character likes to think of himself as a "ticking time bomb"... "don't make me hurt you" or "walk on egg shells around me cuz if you dare *set me off* I can't be held responsible for my actions"

Codependents want to live in a world where someone else "did something to me" and somehow that justifies them to have to get even.

Codependents believe they're "DUE" a "special dispensation"

more later

========== This article is for informational purposes only. Please contact a licensed professional in your area if you are in crisis or require mental health services

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Bad Behavior Of History Channel Stars

I just had to say this... the History Channel is one of my favorite TV shows. 

On several of it's popular series, they depict tough jobs performed by tough men (and women) in tough situations: 
Ice Road Truckers for example.

Some of the "bosses" in these shows just have lousy boundaries.

They use the excuse of the difficulty of their jobs as an excuse to berate, belittle and bully employees in their charge.

More coming...

========== This article is for informational purposes only. Please contact a licensed professional in your area if you are in crisis or require mental health services

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Why You Cant See Your Behavior As Victim Behavior

Victim Behavior is from non functional boundaries.

Boundaries can only be seen when you interact with someone else.
If you are the party allowing your boundaries to be "over stepped" you have the possibility of being aware of a boundary problem. (that doesn't mean you will automatically be aware of it)
If you are the party getting the "bigger half", often you cant see what the problem is... for you, there is no problem.

Identifying a behavior pattern is useful and necessary but more often than not does not automatically lead to correcting the problem.

If you've been practicing a repetitive pattern of victim behavior, you discover you don't like the results you're getting, take steps to improve your situation... most of you will, unfortunately... miss it

sounds unbelievable

You will miss it like you miss an old friend

Part of you is comfortable with the pattern of you allowing yourself to be screwed over

Most of you reading this will refuse to believe it

A huge percentage of people who win the lottery, end up broke, end up actually wishing it had never happened to them.

100% of them would say the same thing you just said about missing your victim behavior

This article is for informational purposes only.
Please contact a licensed professional in your area
if you are in crisis or require mental health services

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Little Girl's Reatached Hand, Attitude Alters Reality

So you think you've got problems?

Codependents cling to their victim behavior as if it was an old friend
.. if you suddenly were not a victim anymore, if the fates suddenly stopped conspiring against you.

... you no longer had an external force to blame for your less than fortunate circumstances.

Codependents who "get better", more often than not unconsciously "Miss" their victim role, as if it was a long lost friend who you were so comfortable with you can't imagine living in a world without "Him" or "It"

Attitude can alter, effect, improve, cause stuff to change way, way, WAY beyond what most of us are willing to assign a value to.

The little girl in this story has a positive attitude that could make the the economy rebound.

Watch this incredible story and adjust your attitude to a fraction of hers and I'm of the opinion what ever is dragging you down (what ever the circumstances) will "get better"

This article is for informational purposes only.
Please contact a licensed professional in your area
if you are in crisis or require mental health services

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Placebos, Reality and Perception

The Placebo Effect

by Harriet Hall, MD

Jane D. was a regular visitor to our ER, usually showing up late at night demanding an injection of the narcotic Demerol, the only thing that worked for her severe headaches. One night the staff psychiatrist had the nurse give her an injection of saline instead. It worked!

He told Jane she had responded to a placebo, discussed the implications, and thought he’d helped her understand that her problem was psychological. But as he was leaving the room, Jane asked, “Can I get that new medicine again next time instead of the Demerol? It really worked great!

What’s going on here? What is the placebo effect and how does it work?

(note: This is where I differ from the shortsighted doctor...now watch him squirm and try to justify the Cartesian Billard Ball Universe that says "If we can't measure it, then it must not be "Real")

The term “placebo effect” is unfortunate; it leads to misunderstandings. Placebos themselves don’t have any effect.

They are inert: that’s what placebo means. The word placebo comes from the Latin for “I please.” You can think of it as the opposite of “I benefit.”

What we really mean by “the placebo effect” is not some mysterious effect from giving an inert treatment, but the complex web of psychosocial effects surrounding medical treatment. Those effects occur with effective treatments too, not just with inert treatments.

Mark Crislip, MD, thinks the placebo effect is a myth. “I think that the placebo effect with pain is a mild example of cognitive behavioral therapy; the pain stays the same, it is the emotional response that is altered

( and the problem with this is? Oh I get it, you can't right a prescription for an 'emotional state that is altered'... translation? You can't get paid unless you write a prescription?)
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… Ain’t no such thing as a placebo effect, only a change in perception.” He’s correct in saying that the placebo effect does nothing to change the pain signals in the nerves. But most people think the change in perception is the placebo effect and is worth pursuing.

The good doctor's problem is that there ISN'T any reality.. there is ONLY perception.

Time does not exist (Einstein proved that over 100 years ago, and no one want's to look at what is right before their eyes)

There is a big difference between pain and suffering. A woman’s labor pains hurt, but with a joyful end in sight she may not suffer as much as a man who has milder pain sensations but is worried that his injured leg may need to be amputated. Some people say that morphine doesn’t relieve pain so much as make you not care about it. The experience of pain and the meaning of pain for the patient matter as much as the strength of the pain stimulus. If the placebo effect can do anything to divert the patient’s attention or help him reframe the meaning of his pain, his altered perception can reduce his experience of suffering.

Beecher Says Placebos Are Powerful

In 1955, Dr. Henry Beecher published a seminal paper entitled “The Powerful Placebo” in the Journal of the American Medical Association.2 He reviewed studies that compared an active treatment to a placebo, and found that on average 35% of patients improved with the placebo. So any study that doesn’t have a placebo group for comparison is likely to give a false positive result. The placebo-controlled trial is now one of the cornerstones of medical science. It’s not enough to show that Miracle-mycin works; we have to show that it works better than a dummy pill that looks like Miracle-mycin but only contains sugar.

Beecher’s paper has been widely cited as evidence that 35% of patients respond to placebos, but that’s not really what it showed. He wasn’t measuring the placebo effect in isolation — he was actually measuring a combination of the placebo effect, the natural course of disease, and other factors. The patients who apparently responded to placebo included patients who showed improvement for other reasons. Reasons like spontaneous improvement, fluctuation of symptoms, regression to the mean, answers of politeness, experimental subordination, conditioned answers, misjudgment, etc.

Hrobjartsson Says Placebos Are Powerless

To tease out how much of that 35% should be attributable to placebo, we need to know how many patients might have reported improvement without any treatment. In 2001 two Danish researchers, Asbjorn Hrobjartsson and Peter Gotzsche, published a paper entitled “Is the Placebo Powerless?” in the New England Journal of Medicine.3 They reviewed studies that included a no-treatment group, and they compared the improvement with placebos to the improvement with no treatment. They “found little evidence in general that placebos had powerful clinical effects.”

For studies with a binary outcome (improved versus not improved) there was no significant difference between the placebo and no treatment groups. For studies with continuous outcomes, there was some apparent effect of placebo; but not so for objective outcomes that could be measured by someone else, such as blood pressure, but only for subjective outcomes that depended on self-reports, such as pain. They weren’t even sure about that, however, because the effect was greater in smaller trials, indicating possible bias.

But Placebos Do Work, Don’t They?

It’s hard to reconcile a study like this with what we know about placebos from experiences like the case of Jane D. They do seem to work, and they seem to work very dramatically at times.

In a study of pain after dental surgery, patients were given either intravenous morphine or a saline placebo. If they were told that the saline was a powerful new painkiller, they got just as much relief as the patients who received morphine. In another study, all patients were given morphine for post-op pain, but only half were told they were getting it. The patients who didn’t know they were getting it only experienced half as much pain relief. In a study of acupuncture for post-op dental pain, there was no difference between the “real” acupuncture and placebo “sham” acupuncture groups, but when they asked patients which group they thought they were in, they discovered that those who believed they were in the “real” group reported significantly more pain relief than those who believed they were in the “sham” group — regardless of which group they were actually in!

We not only know placebos “work,” we know there is a hierarchy of effectiveness:

  • Placebo surgery works better than placebo injections
  • Placebo injections work better than placebo pills
  • Sham acupuncture treatment works better than a placebo pill
  • Capsules work better than tablets
  • Big pills work better than small
  • The more doses a day, the better
  • The more expensive, the better
  • The color of the pill makes a difference
  • Telling the patient, “This will relieve your pain” works better than saying “This might help.”
Again I must interject... there ISN'T any reality, there is ONLY perception, why do you think it works better if you tell the patient, “This will relieve your pain” works better than saying “This might help.”

In one study patients were given the same aspirin in either a brand name bottle or an unlabelled bottle; it worked better if it was labeled as a brand they recognized. Our pharmacy used to stock two different brands of allergy pills that were made in the same factory and were identical except that one was green and the other was blue. When a patient said it wasn’t working any more, we’d switch him to the other brand and it would start working again.

Along with placebo effects, there are nocebo (“I harm”) effects. People getting inert treatments often report new symptoms. A friend of mine stopped taking her homeopathic sleep remedy because she thought it was causing side effects. (Homeopathy is the ultimate placebo because its remedies usually contain nothing but water.) In the Women’s Health Initiative study of postmenopausal hormone treatment, when the treatment was stopped, 63% of the women taking hormones reported withdrawal symptoms, but so did 40% of the women taking a placebo. If we tell patients a treatment may cause nausea, they are far more likely to report nausea than if we don’t mention that possibility.

The placebo effect is mainly subjective. Placebos don’t work on patients who are asleep or unconscious. You have to know you’re being treated. Placebos don’t keep women from getting pregnant. They don’t cure cancer, heal broken bones, or do anything you can measure objectively. They work for more elusive complaints like headache, depression, itching, shortness of breath, tension, indigestion, and other symptoms that require us to accept the patient’s self-report of what he is experiencing.

That doesn’t imply that those symptoms are not real. Some misguided doctors have tried to use placebo response as a test to diagnose whether a patient is really sick or not. That test doesn’t work, and even if it did it would be unethical.

Some researchers believe that placebos can have objective effects. When doctors painted warts with an inert dye and told patients the wart would disappear when the color wore off, the warts disappeared. Patients with newly implanted pacemakers improved even before the pacemakers were turned on. Asthmatics’ airways dilated when they were told they were getting a bronchodilator. Colitis patients treated with placebo not only reported feeling better but actually had less inflammation of the intestines visible on sigmoidoscopy. Patients with ulcers healed faster when given two placebo pills instead of one.

Harvard University medical researcher Herbert Benson believes that the placebo effect yields clinical improvement for 60–90% of diseases, including angina, asthma, herpes simplex, and ulcers. Studies that have not been replicated have suggested that the placebo effect can influence things like swelling, movement disorders, temperature, pulse, blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugar, and exercise tolerance.

So far the evidence for objective placebo effects is weak. Another hypothesis is that the placebo effect is only subjective, but that these subjective effects can indirectly lead to objectively measurable effects. For example, if you are in pain and the placebo effect decreases your perception of that pain, you might expect your pulse and blood pressure to drop. If you are asthmatic and are wheezing, any psychological factor that reduces your anxiety level or helps you relax might indirectly ease your breathing symptoms and even allow your constricted bronchi to dilate. In this view, the placebo effect doesn’t really cause objective effects, it allows you to have a different experience of your symptoms and it is that different experience that indirectly affects your physiology. Semantic quibbling, perhaps.

Placebo surgery is another controversial subject. Forty years ago, a young Seattle cardiologist named Leonard Cobb conducted a unique trial of a procedure then commonly used for angina, in which doctors made small incisions in the chest and tied knots in two arteries to try to increase blood flow to the heart. It was a popular technique — 90% of patients reported that it helped — but when Cobb compared it with placebo surgery in which he made incisions but did not tie off the arteries, the sham operations proved just as successful. The procedure, known as internal mammary ligation, was soon abandoned.4

In a more recent study, sham arthroscopic surgery was compared to real arthroscopic surgery for knee osteoarthritis. The patients who had only a skin incision got just as good results. One patient who was told he had the sham procedure still refers to it as the surgery that cured him.

Some people question whether studies like these really show that surgery has a placebo effect. Maybe the surgery was unnecessary and patients would have improved anyway.

How Could It Work?

If the placebo effect is real, what might the mechanism be? We can’t just write it off as delusions of hyper-suggestible patients. There’s evidence that several things might be going on. The main hypotheses are: expectancy, motivation, conditioning, and endogenous opiates.

  1. Expectancy is an established psychological phenomenon. It even affects vision: we are more likely to see what we expect to see. Wine tastes better if the price is higher. Kids like fast food better if it comes in a McDonald’s wrapper. If we expect to feel pain we are more likely to feel pain. If we are told to expect a strong painkiller, we’re more likely to get pain relief.
  2. Motivation, the need or desire to improve health or get relief, has been shown to contribute independently to the placebo response. Patients who are strongly motivated to get well are more compliant and follow health advice more conscientiously. And patients who are more compliant about taking their placebo pills regularly get a stronger placebo response.
  3. Conditioning is what Pavlov did to his dogs. People learn to associate pills and medical treatments with relief of symptoms. The body even learns physiologic responses: dogs salivate when injected with morphine; after they become conditioned, injecting a placebo makes them salivate, although not as much.
  4. Endogenous opiates are pain-relieving chemicals produced in the brain that mimic the effects of opium-like drugs (morphine, etc.). There is some evidence that when patients respond to placebos, their brains produce more of these chemicals. Imaging studies have shown activation of opioid receptors in the brain when people are told that a placebo is a painkiller. And there is evidence that giving a drug that blocks the effect of narcotics can also block the placebo effect.

Dopamine levels increased in the brains of Parkinson’s patients after taking a placebo; and patients who said they felt better released higher levels of dopamine. In another brain imaging study, researchers had patients play a game and estimate their chances of winning. The same reward areas in the brain lit up in subjects who thought they would win as in patients who were most convinced that the placebo painkiller would work. Another study of patients who preferred either Coca Cola or Pepsi found that brand information was processed in a different part of the brain than taste from blind taste tests. We may be seeing clues about how the brain handles anticipation, expectation, optimism, previous experience, or who knows what. There may be genetic differences or differences in dopamine receptor responsiveness. Brain imaging is a blunt tool, and it’s too soon to know what these studies mean, but it’s a promising avenue of research.

Can Animals Respond to Placebos?

Believers in homeopathy and acupuncture tell us that animals respond to those treatments and animals can’t respond to placebos, so that must mean those treatments are effective. But the veterinary literature accepts the reality of placebo response in animals, and there are plausible explanations:

  1. They can develop a learned physiologic response to a drug and then respond similarly when a placebo is substituted.
  2. They respond to attention and care from humans.
  3. Human owners can experience the placebo effect for their pets by perceiving a response where there really is none.
  4. Since animals can’t talk, we have to interpret an animal’s behavior as indicating relief of pain; this may not always be accurate.
What About Ethics?

Some people don’t even want to know whether a treatment is a placebo or not. If they feel better, that’s all that matters to them. In Snake Oil Science: The Truth About Complementary and Alternative Medicine, R. Barker Bausell argues that the primary benefit of alternative therapies is a placebo effect, often enhanced by ritual and impressive pseudoscientific jargon.

If we can give patients a placebo and relieve their pain, what’s wrong with that? If a little white lie benefits the patient, why not lie? The answer is that it’s unethical for doctors to lie to patients or prescribe ineffective treatments, and because deception undermines the doctor-patient relationship in the long run. Also, as Bob Carroll of The Skeptic’s Dictionary points out, “the placebo can be an open door to quackery.”5

Based on Carroll’s website (skepdic.com), the Dictionary is the definitive short-answer debunking of nearly every thing skeptical. A must for every bookshelf. ORDER the book

In a recent study in Denmark, 48% of doctors reported prescribing a placebo at least 10 times in the last year, including antibiotics for viral infections and vitamins for fatigue. Specialists and hospital-based physicians were less likely to prescribe them. A 2004 study of physicians in Israel found that 60% reported using placebos for reasons like “fending off” requests for unjustified medications or calming a patient.

What if doctors were honest? If they told patients a treatment was a placebo, would that destroy the placebo effect? Maybe not. After clinical trials, patients who were told they’d been taking the placebo have asked if they could keep taking it. In one study patients were told one pill was inert and would only serve as a “dose extender” (i.e., a placebo that would allow a lower dose of the effective pill); patients accepted it and were able to lower their dose. What if a doctor tells a patient a treatment is not supported by any scientific evidence but some people believe it has helped them? Placebos raise ethical dilemmas on which doctors do not agree.

In a recent court case, the proponents of a particular form of quackery known as Q-rays admitted their device was bogus, but argued that since the placebo effect was effective they were justified in selling it. The court disagreed.

Is there any ethical way doctors can use the placebo effect to help their patients? Yes, of course. They already do. The placebo effect is an integral part of every doctor-patient interaction. Good doctors have always gained their patients’ trust and given them hope and reassurance.

What’s effective is not the placebo, but the meaning of the treatment. We enter into a human relationship with a caring person who offers to help us. We may be given a token of that caring in the form of a prescription. We may have a conditioned response to expect improvement because we have been helped in the past. We get a story, a narrative that explains why we feel sick and what we can do to get better. We get hope, support, human warmth, touch. All these factors might lead to an actual physiological response in which our pulse rate drops, we relax, our stress hormones decrease, and other changes facilitate healing, or at least comfort. One study supposedly showed that patients recovered faster if their window looked out on trees rather than a brick wall; even if they didn’t recover faster, wasn’t it nice to give them a view? Even if we can’t document a quantifiable effect on patient outcome, the quality of life is important.

Effective treatments have placebo effects too. A substantial percentage of the effects from antidepressants may be placebo effects. Morphine works even better if your doctor tells you it’s strong.

We can’t isolate placebo effect from conventional medicine — it gets us thinking the wrong way. As the neurologist Robert Burton says, “Even given our advanced state of medical knowledge, much of routine medical care — from treating backaches to the common cold — relies primarily upon reassurance and hope, not disease- specific treatments … we need to reconsider how to facilitate the placebo effect with minimal risk and cost, and without deception.”6

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This article is for informational purposes only.
Please contact a licensed professional in your area
if you are in crisis or require mental health services

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Spiritual Practice vs. Spiritual Growth

Is your spiritual growth creating the results you want?

I'm not talking about enlightenment. I'm talking about growth in other life areas. We are, after all, whole beings. Expansion in one area of our lives must be reflected in all other life areas.

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It's not unreasonable to expect spiritual growth to create a greater level of fulfillment, more financial abundance, more satisfaction within relationships, and a greater sense of health and well-being. I'll go even further than that. If the rest of our lives are not showing expansion, then we're not really growing spiritually.

What we may be doing instead is simply practicing.

Meditation, prayer, journaling, fasting or doing yoga are called spiritual "practices" for a reason. Have you ever wondered what we are practicing for? These activities are not the main event -- they are just how we "practice." These activities allow us to "practice" new states of Being so that we may then apply them to the rest of our lives. Taken into the rest of our lives, these new states of Being will create new action, and new results. That's the point of spiritual practice. We are, after all, here to express ourselves as Divine Beings. We're here to create the lives we want, to be Creators of our human experience.

It's easy being Buddha- or Christ-like when we're sitting on a meditation pillow. It's not so easy when we try to take this state of Being out into the world, into our relationships, our work, our parenting, or dinner with our in-laws.

It can be so difficult taking that we don't even try. We relegate our spiritual growth to the realm of the spiritual "practice." We become all about our time on the meditation pillow or the yoga mat. We seek out environments in which it's easy to be oh-so-spiritual. We ignore the fact that we are hardly able to pay the bills, or are miserable in our relationship, or feel exhausted all the time. We are, after all, able to escape into bliss on our meditation pillow every day.

In the meantime, the more we connect to our Higher Selves, the higher our vibration rates, the more obviously any energetic misalignments will manifest themselves. Our life circumstances may actually deteriorate as we increase our spiritual "practice" if we just keep doing what we've always done. This, in turn, may send us running back to the comfort and safe haven of our spiritual "practice" instead of addressing the underlying issues that are calling out to be resolved. Spirituality becomes escapism.

Is your spiritual growth creating the results you want in the rest of your life? Or is your spirituality just an abstract, a theory, a "practice?" Are you ready to take your spiritual "practice" into the main event of life? Are you ready to translate your spirituality into new action and new results that are the fullest expression of your Being?

It's time to make ourselves, as spiritual Beings, manifest in every way we choose.

Andrea Hess is an Intuitive Consultant and author of "Unlock Your Intuition: How to Accurately and Reliably Access Your Most Valuable Resource." For more information on her book, her readings, or to read more of her work on her blog, please visit http://www.EmpoweredSoul.com

Contact the Author
Andrea Hess

More Details about results of spiritual practice here.

This article is for informational purposes only.
Please contact a licensed professional in your area
if you are in crisis or require mental health services

Friday, December 26, 2008

Temper tantrum

We have a dog, the dog is kind of neurotic...

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For two years he was the baby of the household. Now he's not. I have a grandbaby (I'm the live in baby sitter), the dog's behavior has changed in way that illustrates non functional boundaries like no other metaphor I can think of.

I've not posted to this blog as often as I used to because my professional life as a Search Engine Copy writer has taken off. The holidays added to my lack of time to devote to this series of blogs I author.

I just had to post this because it's so difficult to describe what bad boundaries are both to someone who has them and even more difficult for people with good boundaries to fathom.

For starters, there isn't such a thing as *bad* boundaries, it's not a cut n dry thing. Just like an gasoline powered engine's spark plug gap is not X amount or it wont work. A spark plug gap is between a given range, closer to too wide and the spark weakens, too close together and the spark is too hot.

A car can run as long as the gap is "within specs".

The dog... I'm digressing.

OK, the dog is NOT jealous of the newborn in the house. The dog is not aggressive, nor is it vindictive, the dog loves the baby, the dog seems to instinctively know that the baby is family.

The dog patiently allows the baby to smack him, pull his ears, the dog is very delicate in it's dealings with the baby (had to get that out of the way)

When I walk the dog however... well, the dog is more "needy" than he used to be.

The dog (my daughters family doesn't want names, not even the dogs name, so in this blog his name is "the dog") behavior is extra childish.

it's as if he's saying: "I deserve special consideration due to my decreased standing in the pecking order"

He misbehaves more, he gets himself off the leash a lot more than he used to.

It's like he's saying to us: "You'd misbehave too if you lost face like me"

kinda reminds me of hearing old timers say: "You'd drink too if you had a wife like mine"

Victim behavior is what you get from less than functional boundaries.

Boundaries are where you end and another person begins.

I'm gonna have to elaborate more after I change my grand babies diaper
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year if I don't hear from you until then

This article is for informational purposes only.
Please contact a licensed professional in your area
if you are in crisis or require mental health services

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Overcoming your Soft Addictions

The holidays are wearing me out, and I'm a grandfather now, a full time grandfather... that's why I've not posted to this blog (or these series of blogs) in over a month.

At least I can say the posts from last month were good.

It's between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I've got a lot to be Thankful for this year.

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I've heard the phrase: "Grateful Alcoholic" in regards to someone recovered from addiction and had a "spiritual awakening". I "sorta" understood in theory how an addict could say that, but since I was a love addict chasing someone who was going to cheat no matter who they were with (I learned to not take it personally, she was an 'equal opportunity cheater'), the thought of being grateful for living in abject misery (depression bordering on suicidal)... I thought it was bullshit.

Now that's not true, I *KNEW* others could pull that off, Mother Teresa types, but not in the real world where I lived:)

This created within me something NLP calls MetaShame, that is before you were fucked up and unaware, a kind of ignorant bliss, now you find out the *source* of your shame, and you know damn well you aren't going to be able to do shit about that one.

So now you're ashamed of BEING ashamed, catch 22 doesn't even come close to describing this pile of shit.

This is like 'quiting smoking' or you're not really clean and sober.

Substituting addictions? get real, you can quit heroin, crack, alcohol, but quit cigarettes?
Not gonna happen

Fast forward me to today... I love my granddaughter. I love the fact that I AM extended family now, I never had extended family... it's beyond cool.

I was 'bonding' with my son in law, he knows I've had my ups and downs with addictions... he told me something that Blew me Away!

and it was true actually, after I had a chance to ponder it:

He's glad I fucked up back then, he's glad I did exactly what I did, warts and all.

Embarrassing as some of it was for me in the 1990's, he's Grateful to God that everything happened EXACTLY the way it did.

He's not happy I suffered, not happy I was in pain, but and this is THE but.

If everything hadn't happened exactly the way it did, there would be no daughter for him to fall in love with, and no granddaughter to be the apple of both our eyes.

One of the things that I learned from 'bonding' is that he has respect for me that I didn't have, he saw through the addictive lying, rationalizing, the shit that I passed off as " eccentricities " ( House is really an asshole, he's not cool, he's a controlling self absorbed asshole, and I wish I wasn't so much like him)

So.. in retrospect, it wasn't such a bitter pill to swallow after all.

Damn near forgot the thrust of this post was to pitch a book that taught me useful stuff:

Overcoming your Soft Addictions

Overcoming your Soft Addictions

This article is for informational purposes only.
Please contact a licensed professional in your area
if you are in crisis or require mental health services

Victim Behavior is codependent behavior

Victim behavior is learned.

So what!

What are you going to do NOW?

"80% of success is WHY to, not how to" Tony Robbins

"The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us. A first step is starting to know that we have a right to protect and defend ourselves. That we have not only the right, but the duty to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us."

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This is a Great Book for working with Boundaries within your family. What is said here about 'Natural & Logical Consequences' is particularly useful. My heartfelt thanks go out to the middle school counselor that told me about this book 22 years ago, it's called S.T.E.P. or

Systematic Training for Effective Parenting

Basically, if you can't implement Natural and Logical Consequences as described in this book, that is a dead giveaway that you don't have healthy, functional boundaries.

"Setting boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation - although some people will say they are setting boundaries, when in fact they are attempting to manipulate. The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is: When we set a boundary we let go of the outcome."

Beyond Codependency by Pia Melody

From the book: "Beyond Codependency" by Melody Beattie
"Setting boundaries is about learning to take care of ourselves, no matter what happens, where we go, or who we're with.

  • Boundaries emerge from deep decisions about what we believe we deserve and don't deserve.

  • Boundaries emerge from belief that what we want and need, like and dislike, is important.

  • Boundaries emerge from a deeper sense of our personal rights, especially the right we have to take care of ourselves and to be ourselves.

  • Boundaries emerge as we learn to value, trust, and listen to ourselves.

  • The goal of having and setting boundaries isn't to build thick walls around ourselves. The purpose is to gain enough security and sense of self to get close to others without the threat of losing ourselves, smothering them, trespassing, or being invaded. Boundaries are the key to loving relationships.

    When we have a sense of self, we'll be able to experience closeness and intimacy. We'll be able to love and to be loved.

    Intimacy, play, and creativity require loss of control. Only when we have boundaries and know we can trust ourselves to enforce them and take care of ourselves, will we be able to let go enough to SOAR. These same activities help develop a sense of self, for it is through LOVE, PLAY, and CREATIVITY that we begin to understand who we are and become reassured we can trust ourselves. Having boundaries means having a self strong, NURTURED, HEALTHY and CONFIDENT enough to LET GO--and come back again INTACT."

    Beyond Codependency by Pia Melodyhttp://search.barnesandnoble.com/Beyond-Codependency/Melody-Beattie/e/9780894865831/?itm=1&afsrc=1&lkid=J27117615&pubid=K144142&byo=1

    This article is for informational purposes only.
    Please contact a licensed professional in your area
    if you are in crisis or require mental health services

    Wednesday, October 08, 2008

    People dont want to get better?

    My mother is an L.C.S.W. (Licenced Clinical Social Worker), she's retired now.

    She worked for the State of Louisiana and had a private practice.

    She gave up her private practice... in disgust!

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    Almost everyone she counseled... couples mostly... wanted to:

  • Pay her to make it look like they were doing something about their problems

  • Use the counseling to 'make the other partner wrong'

  • Didn't really want to make anything better

  • Were completely UNAWARE that they had any 'hidden agenda'

  • the last line there is related to the previous post in this blog.

    Ever wonder why people buy exercise bikes and leave em in the back room gathering dust?

    They want to LOOK like their concerned about X, Y or Z

    But unconsciously they don't really want to 'fix' x, y or z.

    Unconsciously we actually would be lonely if our dysfunctions and neurosis left us.

    We're so accustomed to the paradigm of dysfunction, paradigm where we suck and everyone else is allowed to succeed.

    What our family of origin's premise was is this:

    You aren't LOVED unless X
    You're supposed to go out and find a mate that replays the script your parents had when you were growing up...

    and you're supposed to pretend that you aren't aware of this...you're supposed to act, think, walk, talk, smell, eat and sweat as if your criteria for choosing a mate is actually YOUR decision.


    quit reliving your parents fucked up ness and ... you'll have to wait for another post for that

    This article is for informational purposes only.
    Please contact a licensed professional in your area
    if you are in crisis or require mental health services