Wednesday, June 25, 2003

Why did he use me?

[note- I remember watching this on MTV long ago, I thought this applies to many love addicted people,
so I republished it here, and to remind me to write on this subject]

What you need to understand is that for some young males, a sexual experience is nothing more than that.

Just because this guy was intimate with you does not mean that he has true feeling for you or that he wants any sort of relationship.

Obviously, you had real feelings for him and now you are hurt and upset that he doesn't reciprocate those feelings.
You haven't done anything wrong and just because you misunderstood his intentions, it does not mean that you are a bad person.

Part of growing up is learning how to judge other people and understanding what goes into making a good relationship.

For now, I suggest that you surround yourself with the people who care about you.

Your friends and family can help you through this difficult experience

Here's our health editor Dr Garth to add his perspective on your question.
Dr. Garth:

This is a horrible experience and I know how painful it can be.

While you will probably be angry and hurt for a while, as Drew said, this is a learning experience.

I think it highlights one of the most important principles in relationships: the key element is good communication.

We can never presume to know how someone else feels or what they think. The only way to understand another person is to ask them.

While there is certainly a place for "gut instinct," I think that big decisions
(like whether or not to have sex with someone)
should be discussed openly and honestly beforehand.

more later

Tuesday, June 24, 2003

Dr Drew Pinskey of Love Line Once counseled a young woman in his TV show
who was feeling depression over a failed relationship she had with a young man.

The man was apparently using her for sex (a f**k buddy).

The woman thought they were a couple and was wanting to continue the relationship
at any cost, she was apparently willing to have sex with the man even if he clearly
wanted to see other women.

This would be ok IF she was telling herself the truth about what was happening-

She had tremendously painful feelings of loss, pain and wondering why he would do this.

She was ‘hallucinating’ that they were still a couple.

Dr Drew told her that just because she had strong feelings for the man didn’t mean he did.
A codependent does this often. She *hallucinated* that her feelings MUST also be felt by him (for her)

I used the term *hallucinated*, the way Tony Robbins uses it, codependents tend to add stuff that isn't there
to what they think, they *halluncinate* x, y or z

Gotta start a collection of articles on Withdrawal for


excerpted © 1995 S.L.A.A.

What is Withdrawal?
A primary and critical step in beginning recovery from sex and love addiction is identifying our Bottom Line behaviors - those activities from which we must refrain in order to attain physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual wholeness.
For guidance, we turn to our sponsor, our Higher Power, and other members of S.L.A.A. A change in our behavior - stopping the addictive pattern - one day at a time, marks the beginning of abstinence from compulsive and destructive acting out.

The physical, mental, emotional, and often spiritual upheaval which generally accompanies the release of our addictive pattern is called withdrawal. Whether our craving is for sex, romance, or relationships, whether this craving is constant or periodic, not satisfying such a craving often comes as a shock to our system.

Abstinence from acting out is initially followed by a period of withdrawal.

The word withdrawal typically conjures up an image of substance abusers dependent upon their "drug of choice" to alter moods and/or escape from the present moment. Like drugs, sex and love addiction can become all - consuming pushing us toward greater and greater risk to our physical health, our emotional well-being, our sanity ... our very life itself.

Times of withdrawal can be uncomfortable for many of us. Our bodies go through unexpected physical changes; our emotions hit highs and lows we never imagined possible. We feel, perhaps for the first time ever, the void which we have sought to fill with our addiction(s).

The Experience of Withdrawal
Abstinence from acting out on bottom line behaviors opens us to the vulnerability we have desperately sought to avoid. This vulnerability is experienced differently by each of us. The resulting withdrawal is sometimes recognized first by its symptoms:

a craving to act out

inexplicable aches and pains

physical illness or exhaustion

switch to a new addiction(s)

changes in eating or sleeping patterns

general self doubt

desperation and fear

suicidal thoughts

desire to isolate

obsessive thinking

sadness, depression, or despair

dreams of acting out

emotional highs and lows

irritability, anger, or rage

preoccupation with fantasy

confusion or trouble concentrating

questioning of our interest in S.L.A.A. or recovery

If we aren't acting out, then what are we to do?

Sometimes, we just breathe. It may be all we can do, for the moment. Reciting the Serenity prayer has helped many of us pass that critical moment when we are tempted by our addiction.

A phone call to a sponsor or other program member can help, as can reading an S.L.A.A. pamphlet, or Chapter Five of the basic text, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, where the experience of withdrawal is discussed in depth.
Reflecting on the Twelve Steps can help us bring the focus back to the solution, instead of being stuck in the problem.

We found that the most healing antidote to the gnawing pain of our struggles and doubts was to turn over any questions concerning the outcome of our withdrawal to God, or to whatever Power we felt was helping us to abstain from our old patterns.

We might be thinking, "No Way! ... It's not worth it!" But the truth is, it is worth it. You are worth it. And you are not alone.


© 1997-2003 The Augustine Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc.

Those that are agnostic might find the folks at more to their liking- I've just found it, some stuff there looks ok- taking responsibility... stuff like that
on the other hand I dislike the forum's clear anti God bias- to each his own

more later

Monday, June 23, 2003

Victim Behavior is about you not taking responsibility for what happens to you.
At its core, victim behavior is self destructive behavior. How do we fix Victim Behavior?

Sometimes people think taking responsibility is the same as taking blame.
Taking Responsibility is not about blame at all.

Victim Behavior equals Poor Me Syndrome

more later
quote from the message board
Verbal Abusers's are VA's because of a need to control their environment out of a fear that if they don't something bad will happen. Their sense of safety and security is locked up in this irrational belief that the envrionment is threatening UNLESS they have full control of it. Vacations are totally unpredictable in terms of what is going to happen and the VA doesn'tknow yet how he or she is going to handle the new scene that is outside of their usual routines. Because it is all about fear they can't admit it. Saying you are afraid is admiting a weakness which would in their eyes, put them in a one down position in relation to you,so they do what will make them feel stronger - get angry.

this is useful stuff

there is much to be said about victim behavior and people who let themselves become
involved with verbal abusers...

and a lot more to be said about my posting to the verbal abuse message board and having
the very people who I try to offer help to get angry at me????

see my other blog

Sunday, June 22, 2003

A snippet from a sexual addiction mailing list I belong to

This is a response to my question about 'giving your addict a name',

My addict is RJ. He is completely self centered, has 100% zero frustration
tolerance, and lots more I won't bother to type.

"A problem is a problem because it causes problems" Auth. UKN. But when it
is no longer a problem to us, the we don't see it any more. And we work on
the next thing that is a "problem". So we learn to find solutions to our
problems. And the problems disappear. Or else remain a problem. For me often
because I (or RJ can't see) can't see how "no pain means no gain" and I
settle for the low yield default setting of lust.

-----Original Message-----
From: David Bruce Jr []
Sent: Monday, May 26, 2003 12:12 AM
Subject: Re: [A Start to Recovery] dave in baltimore

note to self:
find more stuff on the idea of naming your inner addict, it's a kind of
separate the sin from the sinner concept
more later

How To Spot A Codependent

OR how to discover that you're codependent, a checklist A) codependents want chronic maladies, they want to have to "treat" ...