Respect, more importantly for a codependent, the lack of internal self respect.
This is the central issue for all addictive behaviors (and codependency is an addictive behavior).
Internal Self Respect is missing from an addict, it's insidious in that an addict is not really aware of what's missing.
How would you know if you were missing something if you never experienced it?
A codependent could accidentally do functional behavior and never know it?
You might have hit it by mistake and couldn't recognize it.
This lack of self respect is going to be the dominant theme of all my recovery blogs for the next few months.
How does a less than functional person work towards being functional?
baby steps- if all you do is one thing that works towards self respect every day... it compounds like bank interest, after 30 days you do not have 1 item 30 times... what you have is a critical mass reached wherein you couldn't go back to that old addictive behavior pattern if you wanted to.
Last year I posted this article to Repair Manual 4 Self Destructive Behavior:
http://repairmanual4selfdestructivebehavior.blogspot.com/2008/06/being-punitive-is-counter-productive.html
As addicts ( http://crackaddictionrecovery.blogspot.com ) we're already beating ourselves up... we're world class self depracators.
For example, when I was still using, I'd spent most of my cash... http://cocaineregrets.com, but I saved just enough to buy socks. the next week when I'd gotten paid, I repeated the above, but I bought myself underware...
each little symbolic stand you take toward treating yourself with respect will accumulate, there will be a critical mass reached...
more coming, I've got to answer this phone call
==========
This article is for informational purposes only.
Please contact a licensed professional in your area
if you are in crisis or require mental health services
Monday, August 04, 2008
Sunday, July 06, 2008
Victims Characteristics-
The following info is from Dr, James J. Messina's http://www.coping.org/relations/martyr.htm site
Tools for Coping Series.
Victims often:
-Lack the knowledge that they are being taken advantage of by others.
-Are so used to a certain way of being treated that they don't recognize it as unhealthy for them.
-Lack healthy self-esteem or self-concepts.
-Have little belief in themselves.
-Come from high-stress families where their rights were never respected; therefore, they lack the competencies, skills, and abilities to stand up for their rights.
-Lack information about assertive behavior and have no experience in using assertive behavior.
-Lack of ``others'' in their lives who can point out alternative healthy solutions to their problems.
-Are timid, scared, and suspicious of help being offered to them.
-Are skeptical about someone really wanting to help them.
Victims often hold to some of the following irrational beliefs in their lives:
-You must be nice to everyone, even if they are not nice to you.
-Life is supposed to be filled with unhappiness and uncertainty.
-The small guy never wins.
-This is the way things are supposed to be.
-There are winners and losers in all transactions between people.
-My role in life is to be a loser.
-Most people are basically selfish, mean, self-centered and disrespectful.
-You should never complain.
-Take it like a ``man'' (woman)!
Be silent with your feelings.
Victims often do not stand up for their rights because they suffer from the irrational fear of:
-disapproval
-rejection
-conflict
-taking a risk
-the unknown
-change
-confrontation
-being overwhelmed emotionally and physically
-loss of self-respect
-making a mistake.
The main presupposition of this site is that to get relief from pain associated with victim behavior requires, demands that you take a pro-active stance? You gotta want to fight this and be willing to DO something positive to change your situation. If you're in denial there isn't much you can do. Brutal honesty is hard to come by...
If you KNOW you're doing victim behavior, see what it has cost you then you CAN change it...But it's going to feel funny.
Cross your arms, now cross them the other way, feels funny doesn't it? New behavior CAN be 'installed'. You can condition your self to new behavior just as if you were conditioning your body with exercise.
http://web.archive.org/web/20030328102832/http://www.victimbehavior.com/
==========
This article is for informational purposes only.
Please contact a licensed professional in your area
if you are in crisis or require mental health services
Tools for Coping Series.
Victims often:
-Lack the knowledge that they are being taken advantage of by others.
-Are so used to a certain way of being treated that they don't recognize it as unhealthy for them.
-Lack healthy self-esteem or self-concepts.
-Have little belief in themselves.
-Come from high-stress families where their rights were never respected; therefore, they lack the competencies, skills, and abilities to stand up for their rights.
-Lack information about assertive behavior and have no experience in using assertive behavior.
-Lack of ``others'' in their lives who can point out alternative healthy solutions to their problems.
-Are timid, scared, and suspicious of help being offered to them.
-Are skeptical about someone really wanting to help them.
Victims often hold to some of the following irrational beliefs in their lives:
-You must be nice to everyone, even if they are not nice to you.
-Life is supposed to be filled with unhappiness and uncertainty.
-The small guy never wins.
-This is the way things are supposed to be.
-There are winners and losers in all transactions between people.
-My role in life is to be a loser.
-Most people are basically selfish, mean, self-centered and disrespectful.
-You should never complain.
-Take it like a ``man'' (woman)!
Be silent with your feelings.
Victims often do not stand up for their rights because they suffer from the irrational fear of:
-disapproval
-rejection
-conflict
-taking a risk
-the unknown
-change
-confrontation
-being overwhelmed emotionally and physically
-loss of self-respect
-making a mistake.
The main presupposition of this site is that to get relief from pain associated with victim behavior requires, demands that you take a pro-active stance? You gotta want to fight this and be willing to DO something positive to change your situation. If you're in denial there isn't much you can do. Brutal honesty is hard to come by...
If you KNOW you're doing victim behavior, see what it has cost you then you CAN change it...But it's going to feel funny.
Cross your arms, now cross them the other way, feels funny doesn't it? New behavior CAN be 'installed'. You can condition your self to new behavior just as if you were conditioning your body with exercise.
http://web.archive.org/web/20030328102832/http://www.victimbehavior.com/
==========
This article is for informational purposes only.
Please contact a licensed professional in your area
if you are in crisis or require mental health services
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Why so many can't deal with the 12 steps.
Why is it so many people are Agnostic or Atheist, or like George Carlin (who just died) are Antagonistic towards God?
What is it about conventional organized religion that pisses so many people off?
Religion, organized religion with it's centuries old dogma, or specifically the way current society interprets that dogma is...
Power Struggle at it's worst.
This is a travesty.
From an Ebook I wrote titled: "Self Worth, not Self Esteem"
Up until now you thought you were the voice in the back of your head...
What you are actually is a "Space For Events To Occur In"
Without Ego, without the brain's reticular activating system, you'd go nuts.
From the study of Neuro Linguistic Programming or N.L.P (the main ingredient to Tony Robbins work) we know that all the human brain can hold with any accuracy is 7 plus or minus bits of information at one time.
9 chunks of information.
Ok, so how many other bits of info is your subconscious handling at any moment in time?
Balance, temperature, gravity, blood pressure, pulse, what your ex wife did yesterday that continues to piss you off today, the fact that you miss your father who passed away 3 years ago, the memory of your granddaughter's smile a couple days ago... you get my drift.
The problem with Ego or ego's point of view is that it confuses you into thinking that it's the ONLY point of reference worth having... not only that, ego wants you to think that IT'S Point of View is the ONLY point of view.
The problem with that is Vantage Point
Reference Point
For spirituality to make any reasonable sense to you, you have to first have NO Reference point.
You view the world in measurements.
The interval of time and or space (space time really) between where you (think) you are now and elsewhere...
Like the erroneous concept of:
A is where you are &
B is the target state, where you'd like to be
(or end up)
This methodology engenders a punitive approach.
A punitive approach that is built in, it's built into the presupposition of each and every thought, attempt, event, anything you perceive...without you even thinking about it.
Paradigm.
The fish to the fish bowl.
the fish is vaguely aware that there's stuff outside the fishbowl... but since he cant do anything about it, what's the point?
Dogma, or post middle ages dogma, assumes:
We suck
We just aint no dang good without God
We'd better obey or else???
Where did they get the assumumption that we're automatically going to not obey?
Dale Carneigie wrote "How to Win Friends and Influence People"the main tenet was this:
Don't Criticize, Condem or Complain
Do this or you'll go to hell???
I prefer to look at spirituality this way:
Ride the horse in the direction he's going...
more later, it's time to make the doughnuts
gotta pay the bills
==========
This article is for informational purposes only.
Please contact a licensed professional in your area
if you are in crisis or require mental health services
What is it about conventional organized religion that pisses so many people off?
Religion, organized religion with it's centuries old dogma, or specifically the way current society interprets that dogma is...
Power Struggle at it's worst.
This is a travesty.
From an Ebook I wrote titled: "Self Worth, not Self Esteem"
Up until now you thought you were the voice in the back of your head...
What you are actually is a "Space For Events To Occur In"
Without Ego, without the brain's reticular activating system, you'd go nuts.
From the study of Neuro Linguistic Programming or N.L.P (the main ingredient to Tony Robbins work) we know that all the human brain can hold with any accuracy is 7 plus or minus bits of information at one time.
9 chunks of information.
Ok, so how many other bits of info is your subconscious handling at any moment in time?
Balance, temperature, gravity, blood pressure, pulse, what your ex wife did yesterday that continues to piss you off today, the fact that you miss your father who passed away 3 years ago, the memory of your granddaughter's smile a couple days ago... you get my drift.
The problem with Ego or ego's point of view is that it confuses you into thinking that it's the ONLY point of reference worth having... not only that, ego wants you to think that IT'S Point of View is the ONLY point of view.
The problem with that is Vantage Point
Reference Point
For spirituality to make any reasonable sense to you, you have to first have NO Reference point.
You view the world in measurements.
The interval of time and or space (space time really) between where you (think) you are now and elsewhere...
Like the erroneous concept of:
A is where you are &
B is the target state, where you'd like to be
(or end up)
This methodology engenders a punitive approach.
A punitive approach that is built in, it's built into the presupposition of each and every thought, attempt, event, anything you perceive...without you even thinking about it.
Paradigm.
The fish to the fish bowl.
the fish is vaguely aware that there's stuff outside the fishbowl... but since he cant do anything about it, what's the point?
Dogma, or post middle ages dogma, assumes:
We suck
We just aint no dang good without God
We'd better obey or else???
Where did they get the assumumption that we're automatically going to not obey?
Dale Carneigie wrote "How to Win Friends and Influence People"the main tenet was this:
Don't Criticize, Condem or Complain
Do this or you'll go to hell???
I prefer to look at spirituality this way:
Ride the horse in the direction he's going...
more later, it's time to make the doughnuts
gotta pay the bills
==========
This article is for informational purposes only.
Please contact a licensed professional in your area
if you are in crisis or require mental health services
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Let the chips fall where they may- the 3rd step
If you believe in a higher power... even if you kinda sorta believe (agnostic)
Worry is counter productive
What you're doing when you Worry is telling the universe that you concede that you're a piece of dung... you've lost confidence not only in yourself, but you've conceded to God, the universe, source energy...
That there's no hope for you.
Who in the hell do you think you are?
...You think your the best worst that ever lived?
I could tell you all about how Worry diminishes your immune system, how it trashes your nervous system... but those are secondary to what's really going on.
You just slapped God in the face!
The third step- Turn it over
If you cannot do this, if you don't wanna do this, if you brush this one off...
think about it... it's a TRUST issue
Remember the early Indiana Jones and the Lost Crusade Movie?
The one where Indy's father (played by Sean Connery) get shot.
And Indy has to trust the ancient hieroglyphics to save his father?
The third test.. I think it's the 3rd one, Indy comes to a mountain opening...
he's got to trust that if he steps out into the void... he'll get where he needs to go.
He steps
it looks like he'll fall to his death... but Indy has no choice if he's gonna save his Dad...
Indy steps out...
and there's a hidden walk way
this is exactly what the 3rd step is all about
either you trust God or you've given your Ego complete control
If you worry, don't pray
If you Pray, don't worry
==========
This article is for informational purposes only.
Please contact a licensed professional in your area
if you are in crisis or require mental health services
Worry is counter productive
What you're doing when you Worry is telling the universe that you concede that you're a piece of dung... you've lost confidence not only in yourself, but you've conceded to God, the universe, source energy...
That there's no hope for you.
Who in the hell do you think you are?
...You think your the best worst that ever lived?
I could tell you all about how Worry diminishes your immune system, how it trashes your nervous system... but those are secondary to what's really going on.
You just slapped God in the face!
The third step- Turn it over
If you cannot do this, if you don't wanna do this, if you brush this one off...
think about it... it's a TRUST issue
Remember the early Indiana Jones and the Lost Crusade Movie?
The one where Indy's father (played by Sean Connery) get shot.
And Indy has to trust the ancient hieroglyphics to save his father?
The third test.. I think it's the 3rd one, Indy comes to a mountain opening...
he's got to trust that if he steps out into the void... he'll get where he needs to go.
He steps
it looks like he'll fall to his death... but Indy has no choice if he's gonna save his Dad...
Indy steps out...
and there's a hidden walk way
this is exactly what the 3rd step is all about
either you trust God or you've given your Ego complete control
If you worry, don't pray
If you Pray, don't worry
==========
This article is for informational purposes only.
Please contact a licensed professional in your area
if you are in crisis or require mental health services
Friday, May 30, 2008
Law of Attraction
The Law of Attraction simply says that you attract into your life whatever you think about. Your dominant thoughts will find a way to manifest.
But the Law of Attraction gives rise to some tough questions that don't seem to have good answers. I would say, however, that these problems aren't caused by the Law of Attraction itself but rather by the Law of Attraction as applied to objective reality.
Excerpt from this blog:
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2006/08/the-law-of-attraction/
Why in the world would I add an excerpt like this to a recovery blog???
Because: the main problem with surrender with respect to a 12 step program is the same problem most Americans are agnostic... they kinda sorta believe in God, but it's so confusing that they just ignore it, bury it deep somewhere... cause it's kinda irrelevant to their every day life.
and...
the issue that most Protestant's have over what they always call: Obey God.
let's face it, as codependents we've got power issues, we're control freaks, either we Control OR... we take issue with Being Controlled.
I personally prefer the eastern, new age approach, rather than have issues over weather or not we're Obeying... look at it like this:
Why would you WANT to swim upstream?
Why would you WANT to ride the horse in the opposite direction that he's going?
Doing what is best for everybody just seems natural, once you've gotten your head screwed on straight!
more coming, I'll make sense of this soon- tie it in with the rest of the blog's ideas...
==========
This article is for informational purposes only.
Please contact a licensed professional in your area
if you are in crisis or require mental health services
But the Law of Attraction gives rise to some tough questions that don't seem to have good answers. I would say, however, that these problems aren't caused by the Law of Attraction itself but rather by the Law of Attraction as applied to objective reality.
Excerpt from this blog:
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2006/08/the-law-of-attraction/
Why in the world would I add an excerpt like this to a recovery blog???
Because: the main problem with surrender with respect to a 12 step program is the same problem most Americans are agnostic... they kinda sorta believe in God, but it's so confusing that they just ignore it, bury it deep somewhere... cause it's kinda irrelevant to their every day life.
and...
the issue that most Protestant's have over what they always call: Obey God.
let's face it, as codependents we've got power issues, we're control freaks, either we Control OR... we take issue with Being Controlled.
I personally prefer the eastern, new age approach, rather than have issues over weather or not we're Obeying... look at it like this:
Why would you WANT to swim upstream?
Why would you WANT to ride the horse in the opposite direction that he's going?
Doing what is best for everybody just seems natural, once you've gotten your head screwed on straight!
more coming, I'll make sense of this soon- tie it in with the rest of the blog's ideas...
==========
This article is for informational purposes only.
Please contact a licensed professional in your area
if you are in crisis or require mental health services
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Do you know any of these failures?
Do you know any of these Failures?
Famous failures
As a young man, Abraham Lincoln went to war a captain and returned a private. Afterwards, he was a failure as a businessman. As a lawyer in Springfield, he was too impractical and temperamental to be a success. He turned to politics and was defeated in his first try for the legislature, again defeated in his first attempt to be nominated for congress, defeated in his application to be commissioner of the General Land Office, defeated in the senatorial election of 1854, defeated in his efforts for the vice-presidency in 1856, and defeated in the senatorial election of 1858. At about that time, he wrote in a letter to a friend, "I am now the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on the earth."
Winston Churchill failed sixth grade. He was subsequently defeated in every election for public office until he became Prime Minister at the age of 62. He later wrote, "Never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never - in nothing, great or small, large or petty - never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense. Never, Never, Never, Never give up."
Sigmund Freud was booed from the podium when he first presented his ideas to the scientific community of Europe. He returned to his office and kept on writing.
Thomas Edison's teachers said he was "too stupid to learn anything." He was fired from his first two jobs for being "non-productive." As an inventor, Edison made 1,000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the light bulb. When a reporter asked, "How did it feel to fail 1,000 times?" Edison replied, "I didn't fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps."
Albert Einstein did not speak until he was 4-years-old and did not read until he was 7. His parents thought he was "sub-normal," and one of his teachers described him as "mentally slow, unsociable, and adrift forever in foolish dreams." He was expelled from school and was refused admittance to the Zurich Polytechnic School. He did eventually learn to speak and read. Even to do a little math.
Henry Ford failed and went broke five times before he succeeded.
Michael Jordan and Bob Cousy were each cut from their high school basketball teams. Jordan once observed, "I've failed over and over again in my life. That is why I succeed."
Tom Landry, Chuck Noll, Bill Walsh, and Jimmy Johnson accounted for 11 of the 19 Super Bowl victories from 1974 to 1993. They also share the distinction of having the worst records of first-season head coaches in NFL history - they didn't win a single game.
Walt Disney was fired by a newspaper editor because "he lacked imagination and had no good ideas." He went bankrupt several times before he built Disneyland. In fact, the proposed park was rejected by the city of Anaheim on the grounds that it would only attract riffraff.
In 1944, Emmeline Snively, director of the Blue Book Modeling Agency, told modeling hopeful Norma Jean Baker, "You'd better learn secretarial work or else get married." I'm sure you know that Norma Jean was Marilyn Monroe. Now . . . who was Emmeline Snively?
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall."
~ Confucius
- Self-Efficacy site Click here for more failures
==========
This article is for informational purposes only.
Please contact a licensed professional in your area
if you are in crisis or require mental health services
Famous failures
As a young man, Abraham Lincoln went to war a captain and returned a private. Afterwards, he was a failure as a businessman. As a lawyer in Springfield, he was too impractical and temperamental to be a success. He turned to politics and was defeated in his first try for the legislature, again defeated in his first attempt to be nominated for congress, defeated in his application to be commissioner of the General Land Office, defeated in the senatorial election of 1854, defeated in his efforts for the vice-presidency in 1856, and defeated in the senatorial election of 1858. At about that time, he wrote in a letter to a friend, "I am now the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on the earth."
Winston Churchill failed sixth grade. He was subsequently defeated in every election for public office until he became Prime Minister at the age of 62. He later wrote, "Never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never - in nothing, great or small, large or petty - never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense. Never, Never, Never, Never give up."
Sigmund Freud was booed from the podium when he first presented his ideas to the scientific community of Europe. He returned to his office and kept on writing.
Thomas Edison's teachers said he was "too stupid to learn anything." He was fired from his first two jobs for being "non-productive." As an inventor, Edison made 1,000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the light bulb. When a reporter asked, "How did it feel to fail 1,000 times?" Edison replied, "I didn't fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps."
Albert Einstein did not speak until he was 4-years-old and did not read until he was 7. His parents thought he was "sub-normal," and one of his teachers described him as "mentally slow, unsociable, and adrift forever in foolish dreams." He was expelled from school and was refused admittance to the Zurich Polytechnic School. He did eventually learn to speak and read. Even to do a little math.
Henry Ford failed and went broke five times before he succeeded.
Michael Jordan and Bob Cousy were each cut from their high school basketball teams. Jordan once observed, "I've failed over and over again in my life. That is why I succeed."
Tom Landry, Chuck Noll, Bill Walsh, and Jimmy Johnson accounted for 11 of the 19 Super Bowl victories from 1974 to 1993. They also share the distinction of having the worst records of first-season head coaches in NFL history - they didn't win a single game.
Walt Disney was fired by a newspaper editor because "he lacked imagination and had no good ideas." He went bankrupt several times before he built Disneyland. In fact, the proposed park was rejected by the city of Anaheim on the grounds that it would only attract riffraff.
In 1944, Emmeline Snively, director of the Blue Book Modeling Agency, told modeling hopeful Norma Jean Baker, "You'd better learn secretarial work or else get married." I'm sure you know that Norma Jean was Marilyn Monroe. Now . . . who was Emmeline Snively?
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall."
~ Confucius
- Self-Efficacy site Click here for more failures
==========
This article is for informational purposes only.
Please contact a licensed professional in your area
if you are in crisis or require mental health services
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Who has thier boundaries in reverse? The Victim
The main reason most people have a hard time with addiction is boundaries.
What are boundaries?
If you dont have them, you probably haven't a clue what
==========
This article is for informational purposes only.
Please contact a licensed professional in your area
if you are in crisis or require mental health services
What are boundaries?
If you dont have them, you probably haven't a clue what
==========
This article is for informational purposes only.
Please contact a licensed professional in your area
if you are in crisis or require mental health services
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